There Are Thieves About

Listen here.

I know there are stereotypes. Legends. There’s hearsay.

About how when you live in a dorm building, people steal your stuff.

But I thought this was different. This place, full of such nice people. Kind, caring, respectful of property.


It all began with the terrible Ice Cream Incident of 2019.

Let me set the scene: Saturday morning, September 14th. (Yes, we’re going back that far. This is an involved tale). I’m on a grocery shopping run. I needed protein sources. I see a box of ice cream bars. I say to myself, “I am a little melancholy. I am going to purchase this box of five (5) ice cream bars and mete them out with I need them the very most.”

So that is what I did. I’m an emotional eater, okay, I won’t apologize for who I am.

Now, I was methodical. I did not purchase these ice cream bars until I had scoped out the kitchen situation. There were many other treats – in both ice cream bar and non-ice cream bar forms – in the kitchen, all untouched by thieves. I thought this was a safe place.

Well. Saturday night, I clearly labeled the box, put it in the lower-traffic fridge, and ate one ice cream bar. 5 – 1 = 4.

Sunday night, do you suppose there were four ice cream bars remaining? NAY. A MERE THREE.

I had a minor aneurysm and ate another ice cream bar. 3 – 1 = 2.

And when I WENT BACK TWO DAYS LATER, do you suppose there were two ice cream bars remaining? NAY. A MERE ONE.

Count with me, friends. That is two of my five ice cream bars – purchased with my own money, for my own confectionary and emotional needs – stolen from the lower-traffic freezer from a clearly labeled box.

But oh. The offenses do not end here, friends. They certainly do not.

A week and a half later, the RA from the dorm adjoined to mine – a very kind and soft-spoken person – informs me some of her treats have been going missing. I sympathized and asked her if she thought murder was a good penalty. (She did not).

Several days later, as part of a series of Dorm vs. Dorm challenges (long story), I jumped into the pond. My clothes got icky. So I rinsed them and hung them to dry in the laundry room, because I wasn’t going to start a load of laundry that I had to pay for just to wash one outfit. The next day, my black leggings were missing – but a girl texted the group chat to let everyone know she had taken a pair of black leggings by mistake, so I rejoiced that I hadn’t been the victim of thievery once more.

Then, last Saturday – the 28th of September – I was doing my laundry. Like one does at the end of a week. I took my collapseable laundry basket down to the laundry room, loaded the washer, collapsed it, and leaned it against the wall. I rotated my laundry half an hour later. Went to lunch.

And when I returned – brace yourselves, my friends, it’s horrifying – my laundry basket was taken. 

My collapseable, useful, hardy, trustworthy, gray-handled laundry basket! Stolen! From tens of laundry baskets in the room! From an out-of-the-way spot! Wrongfully claimed by someone who could never love it as I do!

I have been in mourning since I discovered it missing. I just want my laundry basket, man.

After hanging some pleading “missing” posters for my laundry basket in the hopes that, perhaps, it was just a mistake, I met up with the girl from days before to get my leggings back.

The leggings she had taken were not mine! My leggings are missing, too!

What I victim of barbarous behavior am I!

And today – this very morning – 2 redbulls of the girl several doors down were stolen out of the fridge, mere hours after she put them there. Labeled, mind you!

We live in a house of lies.

That is all.

(And I really want my laundry basket back).

One thought on “There Are Thieves About

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s