I Keep A List of Quotes From My Daily Life (that I think are funny) On My Phone

I’ve done this once before. Feel free to blast to the past to read that if you’d like.


  • I like dark chocolate. It’s bitter and unpleasant, like me.
  • “Why are you crushing my dreams?” “Your dreams are wrong.”
  • And I will raise you up on eagle’s wings — how do you like all the blood I collected? (We do not pretend to understand the inner workings of my youngest brother’s mind).
  • I like really old shoes, ’cause I can just slip ’em on and off.
  • Take my map tacks out of your fingers and sit down. One of the joys of having my mother as my high school teacher. Not directed at me, I will add.
  • I was reading you the funny pot roast recipe!
  • Stop salting the succulent.
  • No I’m not, but if I were, I would be.
  • Activities that cause mutual urination should cease.
  • It’s not about the size of the hands. It’s about their skill. I’ve never been sure whether this was uttered with full knowledge of its double entendre or not.
  • Eat something else. Here! Have a selenium death nut!
  • “What a beautiful picture.” “Yes. It’s being marred by the people I live with.” “Those are your brothers, dear.”
  • Chunky sauce is good sauce.
  • I get really hostile about the general lack of bread in my life.
  • People have done great deeds to earn my favor. They have killed my enemies, bathed in their blood, and shown me their red-stained skin. Remember that when you are asked why you rejected my favor when I offered it freely. Me to Joseph, when I asked him to do me a favor and he said no.
  • This right here is unselfish, sacrificial bromance.
  • The corpse is gone now. It might come back. But it’s gone now.
  • The vibrato is a lie!
  • Maybe I produce too much saliva for my own good.
  • Are you in love with me? You should be. – Italian Leather
  • I look forward to the elimination of gargoyles.
  • You son of a motherless goat!
  • It’s just a chillin’ nudist party. I remember nothing about this one.
  • Driving with my dad has all the urgency of being in a car chase without ever actually, you know, being chased by a car. I remember everything about this one.
  • It’s remarkable how often both of you are in the wrong.
  • True math comes with agony.
  • Ha ha ha I’m basically a subhuman animal who will murder you until I’ve had my drugs. My brother, satirizing those coffee mugs.
  • I will HANDLE my OWN SAUCE! Joseph, my brother, Christmas 2020

It’ll be a little while until I can milk that for content again, so enjoy this while it lasts.

I hope you’re all having lovely holidays. We’re smack-dab in the middle (or maybe the last 1/4? Probably more accurate) of them. I’m finding them very nice, even in this, the unanimously declared worst of all years in recent memory.

I realized, a few days ago (as I thought, “I should go write a blog post”) that I didn’t decorate the blog for Christmas this year. I’ve done it every year of its existence, but with finals, this year I just forgot. A little sad about it. I’m debating whether it would be silly to do it now and leave it “up” until we take down our house decorations. We’re still in the Christmas season, anyway.

I haven’t decided. Do stay tuned.

Anyway. Happy New Year! See you all sometime in January, then.

One thought on “I Keep A List of Quotes From My Daily Life (that I think are funny) On My Phone

  1. DECORATE FOR EPIPHANY! There’s still a holiday left ;-). Bonus, themes that seem appropriate for New Years will likely have an Epiphany sort of vibe, so it’s two for one.


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