You know it’s bad when I legitimately cannot remember when the last time I posted was.
(A quick glance at my stats informs me that it was July 24th. Yeesh. What a disappointment I am).
I assume you all sort of know without me telling you that the main source of the (most recent) hiatus has been the scramble to get ready to leave for college.
I assume you all also sort of know without me telling you that that experience has been (and is currently being) a real roller coaster of emotions!
I was doing alright up until just about a month ago when the real-ness really began to hit. Suddenly I was actually making my finalized packing list, emailing Professors about this and that, figuring out what I needed for a Student Visa.
And my brain subsequently went haywire.
It was still manageable when I was finishing up my summer job, because I had all those responsibilities to look after and keep myself distracted. But then that went away, and it was suddenly shopping, lists, packing, research, phone calls, and approximately three (3) episodes of sudden and uncontrollable sobbing. (Frustration does that to me. It is most inconvenient).
I flip back and forth between two major sets of emotions, and I think it’s pretty common: excitement and pure, abject terror.
I am so, so excited to start this new part of my life. It’s the furthering of my dreams, a taste of true adult independence, something totally new. I keep getting struck with these thoughts:
- I got enough College Credit in high school that all but two of my classes first semester are theatre classes or directly feeding into what I want to do after graduation.
- I will not have to do the dishes again until I come home for Christmas.
- I will be living in the same place as everything that’s taking up my time – which has literally never been true for my entire life.
- My earliest class time first semester is 9:30 (and oh, is that a sweet thought).
- The entirety of the first half of my first semester was paid for with scholarship money.
And that is all exciting, and crazy, and in some cases something I’m very proud of.
But it’s also really scary. It’s the furthering of my dreams, a taste of true adult independence, something totally new. I keep getting struck with these thoughts:
- I will be living with someone I don’t know, in a building full of people I don’t know – on a campus full of people I don’t know.
- Everything is now on a higher level – failure! Failure! Oh no, what if it happens to me, the dreaded failure?!
- I will not see my immediate family again until I come home for Christmas.
- I will have to go through Orientation which is just 5 straight days of forced exposure to people I don’t know. (Do you see a theme here?)
- I’m weirdly worried I’m bringing too much stuff with me and there won’t be room for all of it. (Even though I know I’m just bringing stuff I really will need).
- I’m going to miss my family.
- And what if I’m stuck with the top bunk?
I know it will all be okay. This is something I really want. I want the newness, I want the furthering, I want the independence. They’re things I’ve been striving for since … forever.
It’s just usually they weren’t all coming down the barrel at once, you know?
I will adjust. It will be okay. And I keep being told – and I think it’s true – that the anticipation of all this change is much scarier than what it is in reality.
Tomorrow morning, I’m going to get in my car with my mom and we’re going to drive away from my life as I know it and into my new one.
And I think I’ve decided that that’s okay. Because it is scary. But it’s also exciting. And most of all, it means I’m growing up.