The Psychnomast is Something

So I’ve officially written the second draft of The Psychnomast through where I got to last time.

Progress I’ve made on forging ahead from that point:

  • Opened the document.
  • Made a 46-song playlist of music to play while I write.
  • Opened the document.
  • Read a book in the same genre with a similar demographic and appropriate heroine. (As in the female of hero, not the drug heroin, okay. Big difference).
  • Opened the document, started to write a word, deleted it.
  • Edited and finalized the playlist. It’s 40 songs long now and playing as I write.

For a little bit I was kind of worried I had the infamous and mythical Writer’s Block, which bugged me, because I don’t believe in Writer’s Block. Not as it is stereotypically portrayed, anyway. So I was distressed that, perhaps, the proverbial Bigfoot was real.

Then I realized that I’m not blocked, I’m just scared.

I’ve been scared the whole time; it’s just for the last 30 or so pages, I’ve had the safety net of the previous draft 2 to help me ignore that.

“What are you scared of, Emma?” You might rightly ask.

I mean I kind of live in a permanent state of low-profile fear right now. It’s an insecure time and everything – just graduated, moving out, college, I’m impoverished, yada yada.

But I’m specifically scared of forging ahead on this novel.

Here is my vague understanding of why I feel scared:

  1. I started writing this when I was 13. When I was 13, everything I wrote was heavily influenced by what I read (like, there is some serious and blatant Rick Riordan plagiarism on my hard drive), and there is SO MUCH in this same genre that sometimes I panic thinking someone will get mad at me down the road.
  2. It’s been 5 years now of conceptualizing and writing and building. This is, really, the first time I had a big idea and made characters that were my own and sat down and wrote out a plot and got excited about a serious story I wanted to write. I’m kind of worried I’ll let myself down.
  3. I’m scared of what the rest of the world will think of it. For my last few projects – “Suo Gân,” “Snow White and Rose Red,” the “Amelia Brighton” stories – I was really confident in my work. I was nervous to show people because there is always vulnerability in that, but I was excited, too. I wanted people to read and see them because I felt really good about them. With The Psychnomast, I don’t feel the excitement. At least not yet. I just feel scared. That when I show it to people – when I show it to anyone – they’ll think it’s childish and bad, and not just “it needs work” bad, but bad through and through. And I don’t want it to be bad through and through. Refer to number 2.

I list these fears in the hope that acknowledging them will mean that when I open my document entitled The Psychnomast The True Draft 2 after I post this, I’ll actually be able to make some progress on it.

Because the fact is, all of those fears are silly and shouldn’t be paralyzing me. This was my idea. If it’s similar to others’ stories, that’s because there aren’t many original ideas on this planet. So I just need to write it.

If it’s so important to me emotionally because it’s been a work in progress for so long, then I’m never going to stop feeling worried about letting myself down unless I write it. So I just need to write it.

Maybe people will think it’s bad when I show it to them – but I know that my starting point is good and has potential, so revision can make it good. Besides, people think To Kill a Mockingbird is bad, so there are always going to be nay-sayers. So I just need to write it.

I just need to write it.

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