I’m Becoming Self-Possessed and That Is Disturbing

I mean, it’s also good. Obviously. But it is also causing me to have a mild identity crisis.

For … ever, really, I have not been good at meeting people. Eye contact was difficult (maintained through sheer will power), stuttering through my own name was almost guaranteed. And forget me speaking of my own volition in a new environment for a minimum of 2 weeks. Possibly longer. And when I do speak, it contains no personal feeling of any kind. Very clinical. Conceal, don’t feel, baby.

But in the last … I dunno, 4 months or so?

Those problems have been improving.

I still have the occasional sloppy introduction. Talking is still hard. But I can do it?

It took me about two days to start talking at my new job. And even then, I would engage in conversations that required a personal opinion of me. And I would give it. And we would have conversations. And I’ve been saying all the weird things I say, like “What the nuggets!” and other such things.

And I’m not even mortified by it.

I understand that it’s a good thing. It means, probably, that I’m becoming a more confident person, and I’m more comfortable around new people and new situations. Which can, really, only be a good thing, seeing as how I’ll be moving out and going to somewhere completely new (still to be determined) by the end of this summer.

But it’s also somewhat puzzling. It was a very sudden shift. I’ll occasionally hear myself speaking casually to someone I don’t know at all and wonder why my heart isn’t frantically pumping adrenaline through my body. Or why I’m able to form coherent thoughts into strings of words.

So, yes. It is good. But it is also extremely weird.

I will probably get over it.

(Oh, additionally, in other news: I’ve officially applied to all three of my schools. I’m already accepted – and have been offered $6,000 a year right off the bat – to one of them. So I merely await hearing from the other two. My FAFSA is also filed as of today. So, those things done, I miiiiiight actually write blog posts if I’m feeling crazy. We shall see, shan’t we?)


One thought on “I’m Becoming Self-Possessed and That Is Disturbing

  1. Growing up sometimes “clicks” in all at once for certain skills! And yeah, you’re just getting all adulty over there ;-).


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