So over the (very nearly) sixteen years of my life, there have been a number of times where it has become very apparent that I’m just odd.
I pass for normal most of the time, but then there are the times where I’ll be talking about something that I find hilarious, and am sure is totally relatable–and then I get these looks that are like, “Whoa, wait … seriously, dude? You alright?”
And I’m just baffled! I usually come back with, “Come on, everybody does that.” As if the people I’m scaring are the weird ones. I am then informed that, no, everyone does not, in fact, do that.
So here’s a list of things that not everyone does*:
1. Most people do not walk into an establishment and look around, planning how they would successfully rob the place.
2. Most people do not look around at a lake and think, “Hm … what would the pros and cons be of using this as a body dump?”
3. Most people don’t look toward oncoming traffic to calculate how likely a fatal collision is, and, if there will be a collision, how long it will take to crash.
4. Most people don’t create characters so real that they get actively pissed at the characters’ decisions, before realizing: “Wait, I created you. I can make you do whatever I want!” (I have a theory that writing is just a step down from schizophrenia. But, apparently, that’s not a normal theory to have, either.)
5. Most people don’t pull themselves out of feeling really sad by applying how their sad situation would work in a story.
6. Most people do not think very long or hard about how they would go about murdering someone and getting away with it. (Mkay, I’m editing this post, and I am realizing that I should clarify that “someone” refers to a human in general, not a specific human. Not that that clarification makes this much better, but it does make me seem slightly less homicidal.)
7. Most people’s solution to an appendage in pain is not to think, “If I just cut it off, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.”
8. Most people realize that it is not generally acceptable to make up a fact and just keep rolling with it until you get someone to think it’s real, for the sake of entertainment.
9. Most people don’t immediately pick apart a story they’re being told for holes, they just listen.
10. Most people don’t answer other peoples phones with, “Hello, [insert name here]’s phone, secretary speaking!” For the sake of entertainment.
11. Most people don’t rehearse daily conversations eighty times so that they don’t mess up, or go without water just because no one else is going to get a drink.
12. Most people don’t read about–and know an inordinate amount of information about–serial killers for fun. (Seriously, ask me about the Zodiac Killer, I know anything you want to know.)
13. Most people don’t make faces at people on the street as they drive past to see if they’ll get a reaction.
14. Most people don’t like to smile and widen their eyes at people so that they look insane, because they think it’s funny.
15. Most people don’t laugh to express every emotion.
So, apparently, most people don’t do those things. There are more, but I decided I should cap it at 15 in the hopes of not losing followers because they decide they don’t want to read the blog of an insane person. (Though, to be fair, I’m highly functioning, and I’m perfectly nice if you know me. I swear.)
Do you do these things? Any of them? We can be “not-most-people” together. (And it will make me feel distinctly less insane to know that other people do these things.)
*I would like to put a disclaimer on this entire post, saying that I don’t actually possess the ability to be a felon. I just, apparently, like to think about how, strategically, I could be one. This disclaimer isn’t helping any kind of case about my sanity, is it?