Ticks need to die.

I live in a great place. All four seasons: bucketloads of snow in the winter, sweltering heat in the summer, lots of rain in spring–it’s all extremely enjoyable.

But wanna know my very favorite part of living in this veritable paradise?


Do you understand the little earth-crawling demon-monsters that ticks are? You literally can’t kill them any way but with fire. Let’s go over the ways to dispose of normal, slightly-less-demonic bugs:

-Squishing, squashing, and all things “smoosh,”: nope. Doesn’t work. You can use all the force in your big human body, ticks have the exoskeleton of a rhino-elephant-tyrannosaurus. They’ll either hide in the crevice of your shoe until you lift your foot, or just refuse to be crushed.

-Humanely remove them to the out-of-doors: definitely not an option. You are their target. They will either find you again themselves, or sic their evil little blood-sucking friends on you. You will never be safe unless you kill the little fiend.

-Drowning: the things just won’t drown. Second to only dolphins in swimming ability, they’ll horrifyingly paddle around and somehow miraculously gain their footing on the side of the sink/toilet bowl, and proceed to crawl back up from the edge of death to resume their attempts to kill you. Should you somehow manage to flush them down the drain of your choice, they will only call in reinforcements for vengeance.

Ticks are freaking terrifying. Tick season is when spring gets less wet and more tolerable–because, apparently, we can’t just have an enjoyable spring. Tick season is from when the weather is routinely nice, and lasts until it gets uncomfortably warm.

And here’s the thing about ticks: there’s rarely ever only one on you. If you see one tick creepily crawling up your leg with the intent of latching onto your scalp and sucking your blood, there’s probably another one on your body with the exact same mission.

Also, tick fever! The little buggers suck your blood, and, as if that isn’t bad enough, you can contract tick fever. Headache, rash, fever, body pain–it’s no walk in the park, people. But be careful about walking in the park, because you’ll probably be accosted by an evil tick of doom, sitting on a deceptively pretty tree, waiting for its next victim.

How do you avoid ticks? There’s no way. Unless you lock yourself in a clean-room for about a month and a half, you will probably get a tick, provided you live in the right conditions. Granted, you probably have a lower probability if you’re not like me and you don’t go to a rural school that is literally surrounded by woods. But no one is safe.

How do you kill it? Fire. Set it down on something (preferably fire-proof), strike a match, and don’t let the thing leave the flame until its body is shriveled and black like its soul.

2 thoughts on “Ticks need to die.

  1. You totally forgot about the possibility of Lyme disease, as well as the potential for tick-toxin paralysis (which will go away if you find where it burrowed in and get it out and kill it, but might kill you if you don’t). In case you wanted to thoroughly cover your options ;-).

    Liked by 1 person

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