Even if you do know me personally (a stunning number of my readers do) you may not really know this about me: I’m kind of a rebellious person by nature.
Well, whether it’s by nature or nurture, I’m not sure, but “the pushback response” has been instilled in my inmost being. (Well, that was a rather dramatic sentence, now, wasn’t it?) If I’m told to do something, I will immediately think, “Well, I most certainly won’t be doing that, then.”
This happens in a variety of situations; Football happens to be huge at my school. So what haven’t I done? Gone to a game. Not one single game all year. I’m sure I’d enjoy myself, but it’s such a big deal that my immediate reaction is, “I’m not going to jump on the stinking bandwagon!”
Being told to do something for school? “Oh, yeah, I don’t like that now.” But, if I were to do it on my own, I’d probably enjoy it. It’s simply that I’ve been ordered to do it by the school. (Reading assignments don’t count. I like reading assignments. Put me in some glasses and call me a nerd.)
Basically, what I’m getting at here is that if I’m told to do something or expected to do a popular activity, I almost always will automatically not want to do it.
Simultaneously, though, I’m terrified of being punished. So, immediately following the “Well I’m not gonna do it!” thought, I think, “Well, I have to, or I’ll get in trouble and then there will be a permanent black mark on my record, and we can’t have that … okay, fine, I’ll do it.”
This is only for situations like homework assignments, though. I won’t want to do it, but I’ll do it anyway to get the “A.” Homework, chores (though I don’t always do them well), jobs in general–I’ll do it to avoid getting in trouble. As Mom would put it: “You’re uncharacteristically reticent in the face of authority.”
Lots of big words there, Mom. (I had to ask her what reticent meant. Now I know and I use it far too often in everyday conversation.)
But things like mainstream sports and activities? I often don’t do those things simply because they’re so popular and people encourage me to do them. Why? Well … because why would I want to be a drone and follow the crowd?
I do realize this is a silly thing to think. Not doing something you might actually enjoy just for the sake of “individuality”? Really? And I know what you’re saying.
As a matter of fact, I’ve been trying to get better about it. Last year I did volleyball, despite my inmost self screaming at me for doing such a popular sport among the girls in my school. And, you know what? I liked it.
I went to dances for the first time last year. And you know what? I sort of liked them!
I have been pushing myself to stop being so unreasonably stubborn about this sort of thing. It’s hard, and I don’t always do it, like with the football games, but I think I’m getting better.
I mean, I still have plenty of other problems to work on, but this is a start.
P.S. I know, this post is only six days after my last one! Pretty good, right? 😀 Aw, well, don’t get used to it. I’ve had a light homework load this week. 😉