Voices in My Head

I hear voices in my head.

They’re my voices, of course, but it’s always fun to see/hear other people’s reactions when I say that.

I’m one of those people who runs conversations through my head before, during, or afer I have them. Before, to figure out what I’m going to say, during, ditto, and after, to torment myself with thoughts of what I could have said instead to have made it a much better conversation.

Often, I’ll think of a conversation I had and come up with a brilliant comeback; the only issue is that the conversation is no longer a thing, so that comeback will no longer make me Comeback Queen of the Universe. Unfortunately.

I think I’m compelled to do this because I feel the need to be witty and show a bit of my smarts, but I have no feel for doing this in the moment of a conversation. I have to plan out things to say in any given situation beforehand, or the chances that I’ll be a wordsmithing genius are slim to none. And then I’ll lie awake that night thinking about how much better it would have gone down if I had said “blah blah blah” instead of “bleh bleh bleh.”

If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, allow me to clear it up for you:

I know that I’m going to see friends A, B, and C tomorrow. Since they are my friends, I know how they usually carry on a conversation, and how they usually think and act. Since I know I will see friends A, B, and C, and I know approximately what they’ll do and say in any given conversation, I can then come up with clever or funny things to say in certain conversations.

If we talk about vampires (it’s happened), I could make a sweet joke like, “Do you know what a vampire’s least favorite restaurant is? A STAKE house! Hahahahahahaha!”

If we end up talking about foreign countries and cities (that’s also happened), I could say, “Did you know that there used to be a train in London dedicated to transporting cadavers and their mourners? London was so overcrowded that there wasn’t room to bury the dead, so they’d load up the body(ies) in one car and the mourners in the other and drive them to a town a couple hundred miles away.” <—That’s true, actually. Feel free to look it up.

If I don’t do that, usually I lie awake the night after said conversation and think about how much better it would have gone if I had used one of those lines. Unfortunately, I didn’t, because I’m not good at being witty and clever on the spur of the moment.

I do, very occasionally, say something clever in the moment. Yesterday, for example:

I go to a Catholic High School so, in my English class, my teacher opens by reading to us aloud. Yesterday it was from scripture.

The excerpt was a parable about a sower scattering seeds; some of the seeds fall on rock and are burned up by the sun, some are eaten by birds, some are choked by weeds, and, finally, some land in fruitful soil, grow, and bear grain. At the end of the parable, Jesus says, “Listen, then, if you have ears.”

My English teacher asked us what Jesus could have meant by that line. (Among other questions, but they aren’t really pertinent, so … )

Three people gave their answers, and I was the last with an answer. My teacher called on me, and I said, “Well, you see, corn has ears. Corn is a grain. So, you can listen if you grew from the fruitful soil, ’cause you’re corn!”

I got the entire class, including my teacher, to laugh.

It was a triumphant moment.

I know I’m not alone in doing this “conversation meditation,” but sometimes I do fear I’m in a minority.

I just like being able to contribute interesting things to the conversation.

Sorry, I suppose.


2 thoughts on “Voices in My Head

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